Talk at me some more…
He was still talking after 45 minutes, non-stop and without waiting for any acknowledgment from me that I was listening. The words flowed. The thoughts connected in a tangled way like an overgrown blackberry patch, sometimes completely losing their thread and sometimes bending back on themselves to reconnect to some theme visited a few minutes ago.
It made me reflect that he wasn’t talking to communicate with me. He was talking for some other reason.
And that made me think about why we talk.
Taking a clue from other species, we see lots of metaphorical talking going on. Birds, for example, sing to attract a mate, squawk to demand food, or call out sharply when danger threatens. Flowers make themselves attractive and exude secret scents to draw in their favorite pollinators. Frogs, cats, dogs, moose…they all sing their special songs apparently for specific reasons. Here are a few of them:
Attraction - to advertise (like a dating app for birds, bugs, and other animals);
Warning - blue jays will tell us when a hawk is circling overhead;
Pain - last time I fell off my horse I found myself howling in pain like any other animal;
Dominance - think of a male lion’s roar; or
Happiness - how else to explain those sweet notes in the spring woods?
These may well be driven by the limbic system—that reptile brain telling us how to respond with a limited number of options (fight, flight, or delight). But these examples also all represent attempts to communicate something to some other creature, don’t they?
Is it only people who talk without the intention of communicating?
Clearly some other mechanisms are operating for talkative human beings. Let us consider some options.
Self-gratification—some people simply feel the need to tell others how wonderful they are by displaying their wealth, or revealing their prowess in business, sports or in the bedroom. You may legitimately question why they have this need, but the need itself is obvious.
Self-promotion—this may overlap some with self-gratification, and it surely has its place, for example in a job interview, but if uninterrupted it can also proceed from various degrees of narcissism.
Extroversion—of course, some people do not actually know what they think or feel unless they express it, usually out loud and spontaneously.
Avoidance—another possibility is that the individual is using a wall of words to avoid reflecting on something such as the emptiness of their lives, a hole in their soul, or a decision they are busily postponing.
ADHD—there may also be a medically diagnosable condition underlying the behavior such as an attention deficit disorder or one of its cousins.
Influence—the classical example, which is completely unfair to the used car industry, is the used car salesperson who keeps talking in an attempt to overwhelm the unwary prospect and browbeat him into buying a lemon. We see this a lot these days in the political sphere. Where verbosity often trumps common sense.
Intimidation—never letting the other party speak is a form of coercion, whether benign or malevolent.
Now wouldn’t it be helpful to better understand why people engage in these behaviors and perhaps to discover clues as to why while you are in the situation itself? That is where a trained psychologist can help. In the next step of our exploration I will be speaking with Dr. Derya Ozes to peel back the layers of motivation and discover some important cues.
Particularly introverts, older people and younger children may be somehow more likely to experience being talked at, though in my fifty-some years of business experience, I still see executives not listening to each other, essentially talking at one another instead.
So what does one do when verbally assaulted by an uninterrupted stream of talk?
Well, the first question is perhaps what is the speaker’s relationship to the listener, and what if any consequences would flow from interrupting or redirecting the speaker’s flow?
If you as the listener feel you have a sizable “freedom box” to interrupt or interject, then one valuable technique to consider is redirection. This may involve asking a question or bringing up an aspect that redirects the tirade in a more productive or at least interesting direction.
This is akin to utilizing active listening. Here are a number of techniques from this toolbox: restate what you have heard perhaps subtly adjusting the message to influence the outcome if that is desirable; ask a direct question with the overt purpose of better understanding the speaker’s intention or gaining a better appreciation of the background facts; or share an experience (briefly) that relates to the subject, thereby engaging with the speaker’s flow.
Alternatively, of course, you can argue with the speaker and use facts, emotional reactions, or histrionics (gestures, pounding tables, etc.) to emphasize your counterpointsAt the end of the day, true communication seems to require the exchange of four signals: the initial message being sent, a confirmation that the message was received, a query to make sure the content of the message was understood, and a reconfirmation that the content was indeed understood, whereby a yes or no answer will definitely not suffice as reconfirmation.
Here’s a simple example:
Speaker 1: “Did you receive my mail about meeting this week?” [initial message]
Speaker 2: “Yes, I think so.” [message received]
Speaker 1: “Which day suits you best?” [confirmation query]
Speaker 2: “Friday works best for me.” [reconfirmation]
How often have we all heard the lame excuse, “But I told him…” Talking AT someone does not constitute communication. It only covers the very first of at least four required signals.
So the next time you find someone talking at you, consider why that is happening and what you would like to do about it. You do not have to simply listen passively. You have options. If you feel you need help, let me know.